Jupiter the Royal
by Darkpenn
Summary: This collection consolidates the Darkpenn stories based on Jupiter Ascending.


**Jupiter the Royal**

 _This collection consolidates the Darkpenn stories based on_ Jupiter Ascending _. It begins not long after the events of the movie._

* * *

 **Jupiter, Kiza, and the Little Umbrella Syndrome**

 _Jupiter Jones encounters an old friend – and a new opportunity. Sort of._

"Wow!" squealed Jupiter Jones, toilet cleaner and True Royal Owner of Planet Earth as she skimmed around a trio of Chicago skyscrapers. "I mean, WOW! Gravity boots are just so cool!"

"Watch out!" shouted another voice. "Coming through, right of way!"

"Uh, what?"

Another person zipped by her, going in the opposite direction, missing her by inches. Jupiter, still new to the boots, lost her concentration and suddenly found herself plummeting earthwards. She struggled to turn herself, to get the boots in the right position. Caine's words suddenly made sense: _down is easy, up is hard._

But then a hand reached out of mid-air, pulled her upright. The boots kicked in again. But just to be sure Jupiter grabbed the hand. To find that it belonged to a young, blond woman. The two of them hovered in the air.

"Holy ... !" said Jupiter. "Hey, I know you, don't I?"

The young woman did a mid-air curtsy – not an easy thing to do, when you think about it. "Your Majesty," she murmured. "Sorry for ... almost running into you. I guess Royals always have right of way. Don't they?"

"I have no idea," said Jupiter. "I'm still getting used to the whole Royal thing. And the flying thing. You're pretty good."

"Well, I should be, I'm one-quarter bee."

Then Jupiter realised who the young woman was. She shook the hand that she was still holding. "It's good to see you again, Kiza Stinger," she said. "Yeah, I get it, your dad is half-bee splice, so that makes you quarter. Uh, you don't have to curtsy. Or do the majesty thing. Call me Jupe. Still got that really bad cough?"

"What, the Bug? No, my dad gave me some medicine. I don't know how, because it's really hard to get, but it worked. And he gave me his boots, although I've been using them for years. Hey, you want to go to Saturni Bar? I've got some business to do there. And since Dad and Caine are off doing Aegis paperwork." She pointed to her backpack.

"I've never heard of Saturni Bar."

"It's ... invisible. Unless you know where it is."

So they set off, zooming past the tall buildings and down onto the streets. Night was falling when they zipped into an alley off an alley off another alley. They landed in front of a brick wall and turned off their boots.

"Now what?" said Jupiter.

"Well, as a Royal you can just walk straight in, but I have to enter a code." She pressed one brick, and then another, and then another. The brick wall gave a little shimmer – and then they both stepped through.

"Huh," said Jupiter. "I'm still getting used to things like that." She looked around. It was a bar/nightclub place, with a band of strange creatures on a little stage playing something that might, if you were feeling generous, be called music. There was a host of creatures drinking, talking, and possibly dancing. Or maybe they were fighting, Jupiter couldn't tell.

Kiza found them a table and a green-skinned waiter came over.

"Are you buying the drinks?" said Kiza to Jupiter.

"Uh, no, I don't have any money, and even if I did they might not take dollars. Would they?"

Kiza pointed to the shining silver circle on Jupiter's arm. "With this," she said, "you can buy anything you want, up to and including mid-sized solar systems. And it also means you can get into anywhere, which is I why I said you could walk in here without a code."

The waiter saw the sign on Jupiter's arm and immediately fell to his knees. "Your Majesty," he said. "Please forgive me for not recognising you."

"Huh," said Jupiter again. "Well, in that case, we'll have two of your most expensive drinks. Do you have any with those little umbrellas?"

The waiter looked confused. "Umbrellas?" he said. "In drinks? You mean, actual umbrellas?"

"No, those little ones. They make them just to put in drinks, I think."

"It sounds like a splendid idea, Your Majesty. I will get right on it."

As he trotted away, Jupiter said: "Somehow, I have a bad feeling about that."

Then a huge, purple-tinged person with a broad streak of reptile – maybe hippo, maybe rhino – in them sat down at the table, and gave a growl.

"Stay cool, Karrick," said Kiza. "I've brought you your goods." She opened her pack and pulled out several packs ... of sanitary pads.

"Uh, what?" said Jupiter.

Karrick gave another growl, but this sounded like one of satisfaction.

"First, the money," said Kiza.

Karrick put a stack of gold coins onto the table. Kiza swept them into her backpack. "A pleasure doing business with you," she said, as Karrick picked up the pads and departed.

"I ... don't ... believe ... it," said Jupiter.

"You remember sticking that one on Caine when he was wounded?" said Kiza. "He didn't know what it was. Then I realised that they were unknown in the rest of the galaxy. So I started up a business selling them. I needed to do something, since Dad has gone back to the Legion. I see no reason to tell anyone that you can buy a wide variety of feminine hygiene products in any supermarket. No doubt Karrick sells them for a huge profit off-world."

"So they don't have them? What do they do – "

"I don't know, and I don't want to know."

The waiter returned. He put down two glasses of blue liquid, each glass with a fair approximation of a little umbrella. "Are these to your satisfaction, Your Majesty?" he said.

"Not too bad at all," said Jupiter. She took a sip of the drink, and coughed. It tasted like a cross between turpentine, and a different type of turpentine. Her eyes watered.

Two large bear-splice people passed. "I want one of those," said one, pointing.

"You don't," said Jupiter. "You really don't."

"Not the drink. One of those ... little things."

"An umbrella?" said the waiter. "But we just made them. And we only made those ones. It's really hard."

"I said," said the bear-splice, "that I want one."

"So do I," said the other bear-splice.

"If they're getting some, I want one too," said another customer.

"And me," said someone else. "Now."

Suddenly, everyone in the bar was wanting a little umbrella. It was starting to turn ugly.

Someone punched someone who thought that the punchee had an umbrella. The punchee punched back, on the basis that they did not in fact have an umbrella. The fighting spread – and then a large body came flying out of the ruck, straight for Jupiter and Kiza.

"I was right," said Jupiter.

And then the flying body was caught by Karrick, jumping in front of Jupiter and Kiza.

"Us girls have got to stick together, right?" she said to Jupiter and Kiza, as she hurled it back into the fray. Then she saw Jupiter's mark. "Your Majesty," she said, bowing.

Someone came up behind her with a huge club. Together, Jupiter and Kiza leaped up, and smashed their chairs over the attacker's head. Karrick finished him off with a massive punch to his stomach. "Perhaps," she said to Kiza and Jupiter, "you should go. You are both far too small for this fight."

"Good idea," said Jupiter. "But Karrick, please take this. As a sign of my high regard." She handed her the little umbrella.

"Your ... Your Majesty ... thank you ... thank you ... " Tears began to roll down her face.

"Uh, I think we should run now," said Kiza.

The two of them ran for the door as Karrick charged back into the fight. They made it, and leaped into the air. Eventually, they came down on a deserted street.

"Well, that was ... actually, I don't know what it was," said Jupiter.

"Who would have guessed that cocktail umbrellas were so addictively popular?" said Kiza.

They came to a little store, closed. It was a restaurant and bar supplies store, with a big display in the window. They stopped.

"You know, I don't really like the idea of the rest of the universe calling my planet a backwater," said Jupiter. "Earth makes plenty of interesting things. And you have obviously established yourself in the sales field, Kiza."

"Uh-huh," said Kiza. They looked in the store window. There were little umbrellas, neatly folded, in boxes. Ten for two dollars. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

Jupiter smiled. "Oh yeah," she said.

END

* * *

 **Jupiter and the Double-Double Cross**

 _Jupiter might be new to the royalty game, but she is learning fast._

Jupiter Jones was staring from the window of the Chicago skyscraper. "Oh look, you can see my house from here," she said. "In the very ordinary part of town."

Caine, next to her, frowned. "This does not smell right, Your Majesty," he said. "And I say that as a creature with exceptional olfactory senses."

"We have taken as many precautions as possible," said Stinger. "Including choosing the venue. Titus and Kalique must be desperate to have this meeting if they agreed to come to Earth."

Jupiter looked around. They were in a chunk of bare space – in fact, it was the unfinished floor of the skyscraper where she had first encountered Caine. It now held a wooden trestle table and seven folding chairs. That had been part of the deal: Titus and Kalique would have only one attendant each.

"Well, their letter asking for a meeting sounded like they would agree to any terms," she said. "They are desperate to settle Balem's estate. I would say that neither of them wants the other to get the bigger slice of it. And there is the question of the second-tier heirs, who have been looking for a chance to make their move. And even the third-tier heirs, who are getting tired of being treated like second-class citizens."

Stinger stared at her. "Where did you learn all this about the Abrasax family?" he said.

"I've been taking a few trips off-world with Kiza, talking to some people, reading a few books, that sort of thing," said Jupiter.

"Did anyone tell you that the Abrasax family is entirely untrustworthy?" said Caine.

" _Everyone_ told me that," said Jupiter.

There was a shimmering light at the window. Titus stepped through, resplendent in a quasi-uniform and slicked-back hair. He was accompanied by his deer-splice assistant Famulus.

Then Kalique appeared, in a satin gown dripping with luminous jewels. Her attendant – somewhat of a surprise, as he was last seen working for Balem – was Chicanery Night. Looked like Kalique thought his experience and talents might be useful.

Jupiter gestured at the rough table and simple chairs. Then she took off her coat. She was wearing a t-shirt which advertised a brand of bathroom disinfectant and a stained, slightly tattered pair of jeans.

"Nice to see you dressed for the occasion," whispered Stinger.

"I thought I would show them exactly what I think of them," whispered Jupiter back.

Stinger raised an eyebrow, surprised. "Told you," whispered Caine to him.

"Well, let's get to it," said Jupiter to Titus and Kalique, as she sat down. "I do have a day job, you know, and it involves an early start."

Titus and Kalique were obviously taken aback by the lack of respect. But they took the offered chairs.

"Hi, Rat-boy," said Jupiter to Night. "Did your jaw get better? I hope not."

He gave a little bow. "It still gives me a twinge from time to time," he said. "But I consider such things an occupational hazard." He took a thick computer padd from his satchel. "This document summarises the property portfolio of Balem Abrasax, which has become a matter of contention since he ... er ... um ... "

"Carked," supplied Jupiter. "As I was there at the time, I can tell you that he did not go painlessly."

"Well, that is good news," said Titus.

"Did he say anything at the end?" said Kalique.

"I believe it was: 'aaarrrrghhh!' " said Jupiter.

"Nothing about how his share of the family empire should be distributed?"

"Nope, just a long scream, cut short by a sudden stop. Did I mention that I had already shot him?"

"Really?" said Titus. "Where?"

"In the leg. Actually, I'd been aiming for his balls, but he moved."

Caine gave a little snicker.

Night said: "Pleasant as these recollections may be to all concerned, the purpose of this meeting is for you, Ms Jones, to sign documents waiving any claim to Balem's estate."

Jupiter stared at him. "First, Rat-boy, you will address me as Your Majesty. Second, I will do no such thing."

Titus started, or at least pretended to. "My understanding," he said, "is that you are interested only in this planet, Earth."

"Whatever gave you that idea? In fact, my reading of the Inheritance & Consequences Code, especially Section 972B, sub-section M-33, paragraph [g] indicates that my claim to Balem's estate is at least as strong as yours, and very likely stronger. Since there are many planets that he inherited from a person with a genetic signature identical to my own. At the very least, my claim would tie up the assets in court for centuries."

Titus glanced at Famulus. "Is that right?" he said to her.

"Uh, possibly," murmured Famulus, in a tone that said 'definitely'.

Kalique shifted in her chair, which was obviously very uncomfortable on her royal butt. "Can we move this along?" she said.

Jupiter shrugged, and said: "Well, I could talk about the I&CC all day, but if you want to cut to the chase I can say that I am willing to give you all of the properties in Balem's estate. Except these." She pulled a greasy piece of paper from her pocket and slid it across the table. It was a list of planets.

Night looked at it. "These are planets scheduled for harvesting within the next two hundred years," he said.

"Yep," said Jupiter. "And in return you can have all the mining-type planets. If you think that I might be interested in harvesting them myself, I can tell you that you are gravely mistaken. I'll also be keeping planets that are suitable for habitation or can be terraformed to be suitable. That way, if a population grows beyond the planet's capacity, there is an alternative. Yes, Kalique, I remember what you told me."

Kalique's immaculate brow furrowed.

"Hmm," said Titus. "Well, I think it is time for some refreshments. Which I have taken the liberty of organising."

There was a shimmer at the window. Four large creatures in waiter-type suits entered, pushing trolleys. But then they pulled the covers from the trolleys, to reveal a range of guns.

Immediately, Stinger and Caine were on their feet, drawing their own weapons.

"Well, what a surprise," said Jupiter.

"Perhaps there is room for re-negotiation," said Titus.

Jupiter looked at Kalique. "Are you going to put up with this?" she said.

"Definitely not," said Kalique. She gestured at the window. On the other side, Razo Tatto, on her heavily-armed sky-cycle, materialised, the guns swivelling towards Jupiter, Caine and Stinger. "Which I think gives me the superior negotiating position," Kalique purred.

"Huh," said Jupiter. "You know the problem with mercenaries? They work for the highest bidder. In this case, that is me."

The guns on Razo's cycle swivelled again. She fired. The windows shattered as the bolts and bullets smashed into Titus' soldiers. They did their best to shoot back but they had little chance. Caine and Stinger added their contributions to the mayhem. Everyone else ducked. Jupiter found herself face-to-face with Kalique under the trestle table. "You must realise," said Jupiter, "that I am Russian. We know a lot about double-crossing. It is in our genes."

"I do not know what a Russian is," said Kalique, "but I know now that you are truly an Abrasax."

The firing stopped. Everyone came out from under the table. Jupiter waved to Razo, who pulled away, and in a moment was gone. _Gal's got some style,_ thought Jupiter.

"Now, let's get back to business," said Jupiter, taking her chair again. "I appreciate that you might need a while to consider my proposal. But in the meantime I am willing to hand over one planet, as a sign of my goodwill. It is known as J-15(23) in the Acheron system. There is a longstanding mining operation there, tri-calite crystals. I suggest you take it on as a joint venture, the two of you. Perhaps Famulus will be good enough to draw up a contract for the transfer of the property."

Kalique and Titus put their heads together. Then Titus nodded. Famulus took out an e-padd and wrote a document of transfer. The three of them put their seals to it.

"Now get off my planet," said Jupiter. "Get back to me when you have made your decision."

Titus and Kalique glanced at Caine and Stinger, who were still holding their weapons. Then, without a word, and with Famulus and Night, they walked through what was left of the windows and channelled up to their ships.

Jupiter let out a long breath, and slumped into a chair. "Whoa," she said. "I didn't know I had it in me."

"You did very well," said Stinger.

"There is something I do not understand," said Caine. "Why did you give them that planet?"

"J-15(23)? As it happens, that piece of rock is the subject of a complex, long-running tax dispute. Balem had a tendency to fiddle the books but a while ago the Taxation and Revenue Authority got wind of it and started an investigation. Which will lead to the new owners. That should keep them occupied for a while."

"What you said about stopping the harvesting of populations," said Stinger. "Do you know what that means? Do you know where it might lead?"

Jupiter was silent. After a long while, she said softly: "Yes. I know. I know."

END

* * *

 **Jupiter and the Start of Something**

 _Big things can grow from small beginnings._

Jupiter Jones eased Kiza's little spaceship, the _Sheldon Cooper_ , into a parking space outside a bar on the planet of Grizikity 12(m).

"Thanks for letting me drive," said Jupiter to Kiza. "I guess it's something I should know. Tell the truth, this little thing is easier to park than my dad's Buick."

"You could buy a big ship and a full-time driver, you know," said Kiza, as she began to take large packages from the back of the vehicle.

"For the moment, I'd prefer to stay under the radar," said Jupiter. "I'm still learning this royal thing."

The two of them, loaded with packages, went into the bar. They had already booked a private meeting room, and they were shown into it.

Karrick was already there. She bowed low, surprisingly graceful despite her reptilian bulk. "Your Majesty," she said to Jupiter.

"Karrick, the last time we met you earned my high regards, so you do not need to call me that," said Jupiter.

"Then what?" said Karrick.

Jupiter considered. She had a feeling that Karrick would not be comfortable calling her by her first name.

"My lady," suggested Kiza.

"Excellent ... My lady," said Karrick.

There was a knock at the door. Razo Tatto, mercenary and bounty hunter, entered. "May I also call you that?" she said, bowing.

"After your exemplary performance in Chicago, of course you may," said Jupiter. "You and Karrick, you're not slaves, you know."

Razo gave a start. "But that is what I was," she said. "Many of my people, the M'B'ary, are slaves."

"Really?" said Jupiter. "How did that happen?"

"Lost a war," said Karrick. "A couple of centuries ago. Common. You get used to it."

"Well, you shouldn't. Hey, maybe this would interest you." She took her Kindle out of her bag, and brought up a couple of books. Martin Luther King. Nelson Mandela. Thomas Paine. Stuff like that. She handed it to Razo.

"You ... are giving this to me?" Razo said.

"Sure. Gosh, you look as if no-one has ever given you a present before."

"No-one ever has." She bowed her head. A tear ran down her face. "My lady," she said softly.

Kiza gave a little cough. "Let us not forget that we have some business to do here," she said. She hefted the packages onto the table. Karrick gave a growl of satisfaction. "More sanitary pads," said Kiza. "And little umbrellas as well. But instead of selling them to you we would like to make a commission arrangement." She mentioned a few figures.

"Done!" said Karrick, slapping her huge fist onto the table.

"Just what," asked Razo, "are sanitary pads?"

Kiza explained the concept.

"What a remarkably good idea," said Razo.

Jupiter handed her a packet of the pads. "I asked you here to give you a bonus after your good work at Chicago," she said. She began to take an envelope from her pocket.

Razo shook her head. "I am pleased to receive these ... things, but I will accept no money," she said. "I am your ally without payment."

"As am I," said Karrick. "For you have shown me ... respect."

The four of them looked at each other.

"I have a feeling," said Jupiter, "that this is the start of something."

It was several months later. Titus Abrasax was ploughing through a meeting dealing with the accounts of his business empire. Usually, he was bored beyond belief by these things but on this occasion he was surprisingly interested. Although not in a good way.

"Why," he said to the Chief of Production, "have costs increased on these five planets, while output has decreased?"

"There have been ... workforce ... issues," said CoP. "There have been ... strikes."

"And just what is a strike?" said Titus.

"A strike is when the workers of a plant, facility, or enterprise join together to cease providing labour input until pay and/or conditions are improved," said Famulus, always ready with a helpful definition.

"There have been several cases where the local management has had to agree to the demands in order to continue output, even at reduced profit margins," said CoP. The other people around the table muttered in various degrees of agreement.

"And what was the Enforcer Corps doing while this was happening?" asked Titus.

"The Enforcer Corps is currently on strike, demanding extra hazard pay," said Famulus.

"I was unaware that we paid them at all," said Titus.

"We didn't use to," muttered CoP.

Titus looked around the table. "Just what is going on here?" he said.

"I believe I have an answer," said Famulus. She tapped keys on her padd, and several images came up on the large screen. It was pages of text. Quite a few. "Several months ago, these things began to circulate. They have been copied and passed from person to person. There are now many thousands of copies in existence. They are ... books. They first appeared in electronic form but hard copy versions have begun to appear."

"People are selling them?" said Titus.

"No, apparently they are being copied without charge. But it is the content that is, I believe, the most significant aspect. These books are about universal rights, individual freedom, and ... voting."

"And where, exactly, did all this come from?"

"We have tracked it back to a M'B'ary mercenary by the name of Razo Tatto. We encountered her on that visit to Earth, as you might recall."

"Oh," said Titus. "Her."

"There appears to be another source as well," added Head of Sales Operations. "A splice called Karrick. She sells things. Things that appear to have originated on Earth. Apparently, she gives a copy of one of these books free to every customer."

Titus began to massage his temple, like a man who was getting a migraine. "Please don't tell me," he said, "that this started with Jupiter Jones."

The silence around the table gave him his answer.

"There is a glimmer of good news," said CoP. "It appears that your main competitor, your sister Kalique, has even greater problems."

"Good only in a comparative sense," murmured Titus. "I will have to consider how we should respond to this threat." He stood up and stalked from the room.

The other members of the managerial team filed out. Eventually, only Famulus was left. She looked around. When she was sure she was alone, she took an e-reader from her satchel. She called up a file and began to read _The Long Walk to Freedom_.

END

* * *

 **Jupiter, Kiza, Razo, and the Really Good Donuts**

 _There is more than one way to fight a battle._

Jupiter Jones stared at the brick-thick pile of currency in her hand. Big bills. A lot of big bills. A very large amount of dollars.

"Whoa," she murmured. "I'm ... rich."

"You were rich before, you just didn't have much in the way of local tender," said Kiza Stinger.

"I still do not understand why Terrans use pieces of paper," said Razo Tatto. "But I accept that there are many strange things about this planet."

The three of them were sitting in a coffee shop. They had recently been to the backest of back-alley money-changers, where Jupiter and Kiza had exchanged off-world gold coins – their share of the proceeds of the burgeoning enterprise of selling various Earth products to the rest of the galaxy – for US dollars. Razo had mainly been there to provide the muscle – money-changers are less likely to cheat you when there is someone on the other side of the table holding a multi-phase Tzlaki pistol – but she had also exchanged a few coins of her own. Jupiter had the feeling that Razo was beginning to like Earth. Chicago, at least. With her dreadlocks, über-punk clothing, and take-no-BS 'tude, she fitted right in.

A waiter put a plate of donuts onto the table. Razo stared at them suspiciously. "Why is there a hole in the middle?" she said.

"It's a no-fat centre," said Jupiter. "Try one."

Razo picked one up, sniffed it, and took a tentative bite. "Oh my," she whispered. Then she stuffed the whole thing into her mouth.

"Looks like there's another Earth product we can sell to the donut-less peoples of the galaxy," said Kiza.

Jupiter nodded, watching in fascination as Razo continued to devour the donuts. "I'll mention it to Karrick when we see her next week. She's got her whole clan working now, selling Earth products. I'm happy to add donuts to the list, but the problem is that they don't travel well. They really have to be fresh.

"In fact, this reminds me of something else I wanted to ask. The last time I saw Kalique, she was wearing a sort of necklace, a metal thing with jewels set into it. Do you know what it was?"

"The Abrasax Lavalliere," said Razo, between mouthfuls. "Very famous. It is worth more than a large battle cruiser."

"And what is the metal? It's not gold, I know that much."

"Damaskatine. Worth a million times more than gold. Very rare. That necklace constitutes about five percent of the known damaskatine in the galaxy."

"Why is it so valuable?"

"Because people want it."

"Why do people want it?"

"Because it is very valuable."

Jupiter considered. The value of damaskatine seemed no more absurd than anything else. She took out her phone and connected to the Internet, and searched until she found some images. She showed Razo, who was now ploughing through a second plate of donuts. "This it?" she said.

"Yes," said Razo. "Damaskatine."

Jupiter stared at the picture.

"Well," said Kiza, "don't keep us in suspense."

"On Earth, damaskatine has another name," said Jupiter. "Several, in fact. Iron pyrites is one. Another is ... 'fool's gold'."

"Very rare," said Razo.

"Not on this planet," said Jupiter. "Damn stuff is everywhere. It has a few minor industrial uses but mainly it is just dug up when miners are looking for other minerals. You can buy it pretty cheaply."

"Aha," Kiza murmured. "And you are the True Royal Owner of Planet Earth. And all it contains."

"Yes, yes, I am."

"In that case," said Razo, "we should order more donuts."

* * *

It was several months later, and in another part of the galaxy, and Kalique Abrasax was not in a good mood. Her financial advisers had been delivering a stream of bad news for weeks, ranging from the tax litigation over that damned planet J-15(23) to the steadily diminishing holdings of Nectar. Without access to the planets formerly held by Balem, no new supplies were coming in. All her offers to Jupiter Jones regarding harvesting, ranging from partnership deals to generous cash offers, had been politely but firmly rejected. The only glimmer of good news, relatively speaking, is that according to her spies all of Titus' entreaties had been knocked back as well.

It was starting to look as if she – and Titus – would have to accept Jupiter's offer of giving her the populated planets and accepting the resource-based planets, as a means of settling Balem's estate. But in the long term this was, Kalique knew, a losing proposition. Nectar was the basis of the Abrasax fortune. Without that, it was just a question of time. As all things were.

And the populated planets under her control were becoming more and more difficult to administer. People were demanding control over the resources of their planets. Where, she asked herself, was their sense of gratitude? All she was getting for her sound, firm leadership was diminishing returns on her assets. And the second- and third-tier heirs were started to get restless. Starting to talk about their 'rights'. Damn, what 'rights'?!

She blamed those books, circulating in ever-increasing numbers. She blamed Titus, for being an idiot. She blamed Balem, who had been foolish enough to get himself killed. But, most of all, she blamed Jupiter Jones.

Aware of her increasingly parlous cash-flow position, Kalique had even quietly floated the idea of selling ... _selling!_ ... one of her most prized possessions, the Abrasax Lavalliere. Not a good time, said her adviser, Chicanery Night. Damaskatine is not worth as much as it used to be. There's more of it on the market, a steady trickle from ... somewhere. So the Abrasax Lavalliere is now worth less than you paid for it. Quite a lot less.

She ground her perfect teeth in anger. Her instincts told her that Jupiter Jones was connected with this latest problem, somehow.

She turned to Chicanery Night. "Get me a list of assassins," she said.

END

* * *

 **Jupiter and the Union of Assassins**

 _There are people out to kill her. Fortunately, there are also people ready to protect her._

Jupiter Jones looked out the fifth-story window of the rather unremarkable office. It had been chosen for its unremarkability, and it was located on the pleasant but unremarkable planet of Grizikity 12(m). The sign on the door said Transworld Enterprises. One of Karrick's ideas.

Caine, standing next to Jupiter at the window, pointed at the patch of lovely greenery not far away. "The Gardens of Grizikity," he said. "Quite famous in this quadrant."

"Perhaps we could go there," said Jupiter. "You and me."

"Why?" said Caine.

"Well, uh, I guess ... we could take a walk. Or something. Or a fly. No, that would sort of defeat the purpose of going, I suppose. So a walk."

Kiza Stinger, sitting at a desk covered with papers and padds, gave a little laugh. "Get a room," she muttered.

"We have a room," said Caine. "We recently rented this office, don't you remember?"

Kiza sighed. "Splices," she muttered. "No sense of metaphor."

"But I have an outstanding sense of smell," said Caine. "And I have wings." He let his wings unfurl – and accidentally swept half of the papers and padds from Kiza's desk. "Whoops," he said. "Sorry – " He turned again, making Jupiter duck to avoid getting whacked.

"Uh, let's make that a game for outdoors only," said Jupiter.

Caine grunted and re-furled his wings. He began to help Kiza collect the papers. "Did you tell her about the message?" he said to her.

"What message?" said Jupiter.

"An odd one," said Kiza. "Source unknown and unverifiable, which is why I didn't tell you. Ever since word of your ascension went around, we've had a lot of messages. A mix of dubious pleas for money and whacko conspiracy theories."

"But very few with this level of encryption," said Caine.

"Tell me," said Jupiter.

" 'Beware. A friend.'," said Kiza. "That's it. Not a whole lot of information, really."

Razo Tatto and Karrick came in from the other room of the office suite. "Which is why," said Razo, "that either Caine or me have been with you nearly the whole time since it was received."

Jupiter glanced at Caine. "So you're ... a bodyguard?" she said. "Guarding ... my body?"

"Yes. No. Not entirely. More no than yes."

Razo shook her head. "Get a room," she muttered.

"Already been there today," said Kiza before Caine could speak. "Anyway, let's not forget that we are here for a purpose. To review Jupiter's situation, since the recent settlement of Balem's estate on the terms she demanded."

"Which must have been humiliating for Titus and Kalique," said Karrick.

"Fringe benefit," said Jupiter. "So am I still rich?"

"More than ever," said Kiza. She pushed some keys on her computer and a holographic image of a large chunk of space appeared in mid-air. "This is the quadrant you now control. Hundreds of planets. I had a list, until Caine knocked it off my desk. It will probably turn up."

"Cool!" said Jupiter.

Kiza pushed some more keys, and various planets turned different colours. "The blue ones are well-populated planets that are no longer going to be harvested. The green ones are planets with good resources. The purple ones are ones that can be terraformed to support populations."

"Hey, there's mine!" said Karrick, pointing at one. "Terrazo-Kopty 9."

"What are the red ones?" said Jupiter.

"Slave planets," said Razo. "Like mine, M'B'ary, that one, there."

"Hold it," said Jupiter. "You mean that there are planets that have slavery in my quadrant? _My_ quadrant?"

"Quite a few," said Caine.

"Well, that's not going to continue," said Jupiter. "Can I, you know, make some sort of announcement? A proclamation or something?"

Razo stared at her. "You ... would do that?" she said.

"Most certainly, definitely, immediately, no question, yes," said Jupiter. "No slavery in my quadrant. Or any other, if I have anything to say about it."

"Wow," said Razo softly.

"It might not be as easy as making a statement," said Kiza. "These slavery companies, they are powerful. A business."

"We are a business too," said Karrick. "You have a lot of money, my lady. You inherited a lot and you have made a lot from the sale of Terran products. The little umbrellas alone have generated a huge amount of money. My clan could not keep up with demand. We have had to engage other clans."

"Really? How much money are we talking about?"

Karrick told her the figure. And the figures for the other products as well.

"Wow," said Razo again.

"That's not counting the income from sales of damaskatine," added Kiza. "And we haven't worked out the donut thing yet."

"Pity," said Razo. "About the donuts."

Caine suddenly stiffened. "I ... smell something," he said.

"Is it donuts?" said Razo.

"It is not," said Caine.

It happened fast. There were explosions in two of the walls. A half-dozen pale-skinned people burst into the room, guns drawn.

But Caine, warned, already had his wings unfurled. "Down!" he shouted. As Jupiter, Kiza, Razo and Karrick ducked he swivelled, smashing his wings into the attackers, scattering them. Razo had her Tzlaki pistol drawn and was firing. Karrick rose up and, with a savage snarl, picked up two of the attackers and smashed them together.

Suddenly, all the attackers were down.

"Who are these guys!?" said Jupiter.

"From the Union of Assassins," said Razo. "They work under contract. Often for Titus Abrasax, but not always. They come from T'Pua, which is in a sector he controls."

"And they have a union?" said Jupiter.

"We have to get Jupiter out of here," said Caine. "Kiza, where is your vehicle?"

"Parked on the roof."

"As is my cycle," said Razo.

"Uh, what's that?" said Jupiter, pointing to the window.

There was a ship de-cloaking there. A large gun emerged.

They all dived through one of the holes in the wall as the room was suddenly filled with energy bolts.

"Damn, I was just starting to like that office," said Kiza.

They were all up and running, going for the roof. They made it. Razo climbed onto her sky-cycle and drew a big gun. Kiza climbed into the _Sheldon Cooper_. She pushed a series of buttons and a gun emerged from the roof.

"Accessory?" said Jupiter.

"Dad insisted," said Kiza.

"I am too large for these vehicles," said Karrick. "So I will stay, and take care of anyone else who appears here."

"We should split up," said Caine, unfurling his wings again. "They're sure to have more than one ship, but they won't know who to follow. They'll have to divide their forces."

"I have the gravity boots," said Jupiter. "I can fly."

Suddenly, a T'Pua attack ship swept in. Razo and Kiza took to the air, firing. Caine grabbed Jupiter and took off.

Two more T'Pua ships were coming in. Razo fired a series of missiles at one, and then turned and sped away. The ship followed. Another went after Kiza, going in the opposite direction.

Caine let go of Jupiter, and she activated the boots. "Stay close!" said Caine, drawing his gun and firing. He pulled out another pistol and handed it to her.

Then a bolt of energy from the T'Pua ship smashed into one of Caine's wings. It broke off in a series of prosthetic feathers. He started to fall.

Jupiter fired at the ship, aiming at what she hoped was the cockpit. The windscreen, or whatever it was, broke, and the ship turned away.

Jupiter started downwards, after Caine. For a moment, she could not see him. When she did, she realised he was a long way away.

 _Faster_ , she told herself. She pushed her muscles to the limit.

Caine was spinning, out of control, the ground rushing towards him. Falling, falling –

And then – " _Gotcha!_ "

She had him – just. She managed to pull up, just twenty metres from the ground. She fought to regain height – but a T'Pua ship was closing in. Its guns swivelled towards them.

And then it was raked by fire, Razo from one angle and Kiza from another. There was an explosion on the side.

Razo and Kiza, each being pursued, turned away.

But the damaged T'Pua ship was not giving up. It continued to pursue them.

"Climb on my back," said Jupiter. Caine did, and drew his pistol, firing.

The ship fired a volley of missiles. Jupiter dodged as well as she could, but one exploded close, knocking Caine's gun from his hand.

Jupiter felt one of the boots stutter in its energy flow. Damaged. No telling how long it would last. She had to get down, and fast.

And then she saw the Gardens. She made for the open space.

The T'Pua ship followed, but it was in trouble, on fire and trailing smoke. Jupiter handed Caine the pistol, and he fired again. And then the gun clicked on empty.

The boot failed just as she was coming in to land. She ploughed into the ground, rolling, and ended up in a bed of flowers. Immediately, she looked for Caine. He had come down hard, and one of his legs looked broken.

The T'Pua ship passed over them, and smashed into the ground twenty metres away. But then a door in the side opened, and an Assassin stepped out. He was holding a pulse rifle. He began to walk towards her.

Jupiter looked around. She could run, but that would mean leaving Caine. So, no, not an option.

And then she realised there were bees buzzing around her. Bees. A lot of bees.

She turned to the Assassin. "Tell me something," she said. "Who is it that wants me dead?"

"Practically everyone," he said. He lifted the rifle.

Jupiter pointed to the Assassin. "Sic 'im," she said.

Immediately, a cloud of bees descended on the Assassin. He screamed as he was stung, again and again and again. He threw down the gun and ran.

She went to Caine and helped him to his feet. "Thanks for the catch," he said, as they began to hobble back to the building with their shot-up office.

"Looks like we got to go for a walk in the famous Gardens of Grizikity after all," she said.

The _Sheldon Cooper_ landed and Kiza stepped out. "Need a lift?" she said.

"What happened to the T'Pua ships?" said Jupiter, as she helped Caine into the vehicle.

"The one that was after me took off and I think Razo knocked the other one down," said Kiza. "I tell you, that girl can be pretty odd but she's damn good in a fight."

"Damn good," said Caine.

They made it back to the office. Karrick was there. "I had a word with one of the Assassins who was not dead at that time," she said. "He indicated that they had been hired by Kalique Abrasax, with the co-operation of Titus Abrasax. But the recommendation to engage the Union was made by Gras Traxati."

"And who," said Jupiter, "is Gras Traxati?"

"He is the head of the largest of the slaving corporations," said Razo. "In your quadrant."

Jupiter considered. "Tell this man," she said, "that Jupiter Jones wishes to meet with him."

END

* * *

 **Jupiter Makes An Offer Not To Be Refused**

 _She can be sweet, she can be charming, and she can be utterly ruthless._

Jupiter Jones started in surprise. "What do you mean, I have a palace!?" she said.

"Actually, you have three palaces," said Kiza. "On three different planets. They were Balem's, although there is no evidence that he ever used them. Not much of a palace guy, I guess."

Jupiter was leafing through the pictures on the padd. "As a professional cleaner of toilets, I can tell you that I have no desire to live in a palace," she said. "I know how hard they are to maintain. I'm happy in my little apartment here on Grizikity. Hey, here's an idea. Find some good charities that need space and give the palaces to them."

"You mean, you would just give them away?" said Karrick.

"Think of it as good public relations," said Jupiter.

"My lady," said Razo Tatto, looking at her communicator. "Gras Traxati and his entourage have arrived."

"Tell him that my office is small so he can only bring three of his people," said Jupiter. She looked around. They were in the patched-up office of Transworld Enterprises. The holes in the walls created by the Union of Assassins had been boarded over but Jupiter had said that she did not want the evidence to be completely obscured.

"My lady," said Razo, "did you want to, er, change your clothes? Into something more formal?"

"Nope," said Jupiter. She was wearing a faded t-shirt advertising a Chicago truckers' convention and her usual battered jeans.

Razo lifted her eyebrows in surprise but sent the message to Traxati's deputy. A message came back. "They are ready," she said.

"Okay," said Jupiter. She continued to scroll through the palace pictures. Several minutes went by. Five. Ten.

"Alright, tell them they can come in, but any weapons they have must be left outside. If I see so much as a set of nail-clippers the meeting is cancelled."

"But … we invited them," said Karrick.

"I know," said Jupiter. "Which means we can un-invite them as well."

Kiza gave a little laugh. Karrick gave a grunt of satisfaction.

A few minutes later, Gras Traxati, a large man in an expensive suit, came in, with three large and expensively-dressed attendants. Jupiter did not rise to greet him but gestured that Traxati should take a seat on the bench on the other side of the table.

Traxati, clearly not pleased, squeezed himself onto the bench. He glanced at the half-repaired walls.

"From unwelcome visitors," said Jupiter. "It was a very quick visit. I'm hoping that the next batch of visitors might be more of a challenge. One of the people you recommended was defeated by bees. Bees! Can you believe that!? Ha!"

Karrick, staring at Traxati's attendants, gave a reptilian snarl.

One of the bodyguards glanced at Kiza.

"Buzz buzz," she said.

"What do you want?" said Traxati to Jupiter.

"You will address her as Your Majesty," said Karrick.

"Oh, surely there's no need for such formality, however justified it might be," said Jupiter, staring evenly at Traxati. "This is a business meeting, not a ceremony. And the business at hand, Mr Traxati, is the schedule for you to move out of the slavery business in my quadrant."

Traxati gave a little gasp. "What?" he said.

Jupiter said nothing.

Several minutes passed in silence.

"What schedule?" said Traxati.

"I'm thinking, oh, a month."

"I could not possibly give up my business."

"Your business is heading towards collapse." Jupiter pulled out a padd and scrolled to a series of news items about slave uprisings, strikes, and unrest. "It appears that some ideas that run very opposed to your business model have begun to circulate. And you would be aware that you cannot fight an idea whose time has come. You have lost a number of critical contracts and have been sued for compensation. Your company is bleeding cash. This is a chance for you to move out while you still have some funds. Or you can wait until some of your former assets string you up from a tree."

"I could not possibly give up my business," Traxati repeated. "And everything I do is in compliance with the Commonwealth's Rights of Sentient Property Act."

"I'm sure it is, and I am sure that those sentient properties will take note of that when they are selecting the tree. And you should know, Mr Traxati, that I am planning to make a proclamation outlawing slavery in my quadrant. In a month."

"You can't do that."

"Watch me. True, such a proclamation might not have great legal force. But with royal backing, the problems you are currently experiencing will double, and then double again."

"And we will give them the rope for your noose," said Razo. "Or we could cut a long story short and simply kill you now." She took out her multi-phase Tzlaki pistol and laid it on the table before her. "On behalf of my people," she said softly.

"Now now, Razo, you will remember that I said you shouldn't kill anyone unless Mr Traxati refused to be reasonable," said Jupiter. "You do intend to be reasonable, don't you, Mr Traxati?"

Traxati stared at her. "Go on," he said.

"I have an incentive that you might wish to consider, as a sort of retirement fund," said Jupiter. Karrick lifted a case onto the desk, and opened it.

Traxati and his people gasped.

Damaskatine. Or fool's gold, if you prefer. Quite a lot of it. On Earth, worth almost nothing. But in the rest of the galaxy …

"Enough to put you into the league of serious wealth," said Jupiter. "Or you can use it to make a piece of jewellery for your wife which is bigger, showier, and more impressive than the one owned by Kalique Abrasax. And still have plenty left over for your mistress."

"Even if I was to agree," said Traxati, "it would not be the end of the slavery business. True, I own large numbers of slaves that I contract out to various corporations and families. And I buy and sell many. Even if I was to make an announcement declaring all the slaves I own to be free, there would still be many others."

"But you are the largest owner and trader. If you say that you are getting out of the business because it has no future – and because you have come to recognise the sheer immorality of it – then most other traders and owners will follow. And you would go down in history as someone who finally decided to do the right thing. I see no reason to tell history that you did it for the money. When I make the proclamation, I will mention you as someone who has provided their support."

Traxati was quiet for a while, considering. Then he said: "I have a counter-proposal."

"Perhaps we will simply kill all the M'B'Ary we can find," said one of his deputies, nodding towards Razo.

Razo picked up her gun and shot him. He toppled backwards, dead. Then she shot the other two deputies. Without expression, she pointed the gun at Traxati.

"She's … spiky," said Jupiter. "But I'm sure you understand her feelings. After all, you have been responsible for the enslavement of many of her people for over a hundred years."

"One hundred and thirteen," said Razo.

Taxati was silent for a long time. Then he took the case. "My people will be in touch about the proclamation," he muttered.

"By the way, Gras," said Jupiter, "don't even think about changing your mind when you get through that door. Because then my volatile colleague here will come looking for you. And she will find you. And cut off your head."

"Cut if off ... slowly," said Razo.

Traxati went a little pale. He nodded. Then he left, stepping over bodies.

The four women stared at each other. "Well," said Jupiter. "It's a start."

END

* * *

 **Jupiter and the Donut Idea**

 _Even Royals must eat._

Jupiter Jones frowned as she studied the menu of Jake's Famous Crawfish, purportedly the best and fanciest restaurant in Portland, Oregon, Earth. She didn't know what half of these things were, let alone how to pronounce them. Didn't they have anything with fries?

She put down the menu and sighed. She had a feeling that a Royal should know how to order things, choose wine, speak to waiters, et cetera. It was all a mystery to her.

A year had passed, she mused, since she had received the mark certifying her as the True Royal Owner of Planet Earth. That had also given her possession of many other worlds, and the settlement of Balem's estate had given her even more. She was now the owner, in effect, of an entire quadrant – although now she thought about it she not was entirely sure what a quadrant was.

Despite the impenetrable menu, she was glad to be back on her home planet – _her_ planet. And she was glad to be by herself, for once. One thing a Royal did not get, especially after several serious assassination attempts, was privacy.

She certainly liked having Caine around, and finding him in her bed occasionally was wonderful. It was even better than them going flying together, and that was pretty damn good. She would have liked to be with him more often, but she accepted that he had responsibilities with the Legion.

She liked Razo Tatto as well. As a former mercenary, she was incredibly effective as a bodyguard. Jupiter did not know anything of Razo's back story – and Razo had refused to discuss it – but she got the feeling that there had not been much joy there. These days, Razo was even known to smile occasionally. Jupiter had asked her why, and Razo had grunted 'have friends now' and walked away.

And then there was Kiza and Karrick, who between them were building an organisation to support both the burgeoning company that was Transworld Enterprises and Jupiter's political moves. They both seemed remarkably good at it, as if the opportunity had tapped into a wellspring of talents and entrepreneurial energies.

It was two months, now, since Jupiter had announced, on one of the omni-verse media channels, the outlawing of slavery in her quadrant. Gras Traxati had, at the same time, released a statement freeing all the slaves he owned and declaring that he was leaving the business. Most of the other traders and owners had followed within a week. She had been a little surprised that Traxati had kept his side of the bargain – but Kiza had pointed out that a case of damaskatine buys an awful lot of agreement. And, of course, Razo was capable of being very, very scary.

True, there had been some problems and disruption, but Jupiter's request that the former slaves look to the future rather than seek revenge for the past had been remarkably effective. The statements of support from the heads of the charities that had been given Balem's palaces had been another part of that, although there had also been a strong feeling that the time had come. The Terran books on freedom and rights had been the trickle that had turned into the flood. In some cases, former slaves had become employees, forming unions and negotiating work conditions. In others, such as M'B'ary – Razo's home planet – the former owners had been asked – 'asked' – to depart, leaving all their goods and assets behind. They had done so, and quickly.

Jupiter looked around. This was an expensive place, so it was a good thing she had money now, in actual American dollars. Quite a lot of money. She had bought a little apartment in Chicago, moving out of the family home and, she hoped, leaving toilet cleaning behind. Caine and Razo had been apprehensive about her living in Chicago while on Earth, since her enemies knew the city. If you are going anywhere alone, they had insisted, go somewhere other than Chicago, and keep a weapon handy.

So here she was in Portland, with a mini-blaster in her pocket. Good thing it didn't show up on airport security devices and looked like a lipstick.

Suddenly, there was shouting from the kitchen, and a crash, and then more shouting. A young man in the white uniform of a trainee cook came storming out, muttering nasty things. Then he saw Jupiter, saw the mark on her arm. He stopped and stared.

Jupiter took the mini-blaster from her bag.

The man suddenly fell to his knees. "Your Majesty," he said.

"Stop that, please," she whispered. "People are staring. Please get up and stop the majesty thing."

He stood up. Then he bowed. "Please allow me to present myself, Your Majesty," he said. "I am Vincente Tirelli-Abrasax, of the house Tirelli-Abrasax, of the – "

"Yeah yeah, I know, third-tier heirs, you own a system called D'Lagi Binary. Not a very big system."

Vincente Tirelli-Abrasax gave a start. "I am surprised it has come to the attention of someone as important as yourself," he said.

"I read a lot." She sighed, and gestured for Vincente to sit down in the other chair at her table. "Comes with the job. What is someone from the D'Lagi Binary system doing in Portland? Of all places."

"Until a few minutes ago, I was trying to learn to cook. Being 57th in line to the position of Clan Proctor doesn't pay anything, you know. And I like to cook. But everything here is too fancy. That's why I just got fired. All I want to do is make plain, simple food that people can enjoy."

"Huh. So you came to Earth to learn?"

"Sure. Quite a few people from the rest of the galaxy live here. Generally, the food is better."

"I have a friend who would agree with you on that. She has a serious donut addiction."

Vincente nodded. "Donuts," he mused. "Perhaps the best thing in the galaxy."

"After sex, of course."

Vincente look inclined to disagree with Jupiter on that. "The trouble with donuts," he said, "is that they have to be made and sold fresh. Transporting them across deep space would ruin them."

"Yes, we've tried and it doesn't work," said Jupiter. "What we need is a donut-making machine that we can take off-world. A number of them. With all the needed ingredients. But I have no idea where you could get a donut -making machine."

Vincente stared at her. "I do," he said. "And I know how to operate one."

Jupiter considered. "You want a job?" she said. "Since you just got fired, I mean."

"You mean ... making donuts?"

"No," said Jupiter. "I mean being the head of the Donut Division of Transworld Enterprises. I'm thinking a franchise structure might be best."

Vincente Tirelli-Abrasax bowed his head. "Your Majesty," he said. "I would be honoured."

"And Razo Tatto will love you forever. One more thing, though. Do you know where a girl can get some decent food around here?"

"There's a McDonalds just around the corner."

Jupiter picked up her bag. "Let's go," she said.

END

* * *

 **Jupiter and the** _ **Leonard Hofstadter**_

 _The stakes are getting higher for Jupiter and her friends._

"Explain to me again," said Jupiter Jones, "why I need a battle cruiser."

"Better to have one and not need it," said Kiza Stinger, "then need it and not have one. Like a condom."

"A condom?" said Captain Singh. "What's that?"

Jupiter glanced at Karrick. "Right," said Karrick, shrugging her large reptilian shoulders. "I'll put it on the list of Earth products that can be sold to the rest of the galaxy. As soon as I find out what they are."

"I'll tell you later," said Kiza.

"Well, one way or another it's a nice ship," said Captain Singh. She had overseen the delivery of the new cruiser, purchased from the Commonwealth Shipyards by Transworld Enterprises. She, Karrick, Kiza and Jupiter were standing on the bridge of the Aegis ship _Guardian_ , Singh's ship, watching the new cruiser move into orbit around the planet Grizikity 12(m), the pleasant little planet that had, over the past year, become Jupiter's _de facto_ capital. "But if push ever comes to shove against Titus or Kalique Abrasax, or the two of them together, a single ship won't do much. Of course, most planets have some combat ships, often a few dozen. But Titus and Kalique have about eighty ships capable of combat, far more than anyone else."

"Let's hope it doesn't come to a flat-out fight," said Jupiter. "I suppose if I'm going to be a Royal I need a proper ship and crew, rather than buzzing about on commercial flights and the _Sheldon Cooper_. It's a big quadrant, and a lot of people want me to attend some function or meeting or something. Captain, do you think Titus and Kalique would actually mount a military action?"

Captain Singh considered. "Well, their commercial empire is under great strain, since you effectively stopped the supply of Nectar," she said. "And they blame you. Titus has even tried to ban Earth products from the sector he controls. That didn't work out very well."

"Every donut is another blow against the Abrasax empire," said Kiza.

"Hey, we should put that on the take-away bags," said Karrick. She made a note on the e-padd she always carried to suggest the idea to the Abrasax-Tirelli clan, which these days was doing pretty well thanks to the astonishing popularity of circles of deep-fried dough.

"When there was no alternative to Abrasax control, people in those sectors basically just had to accept it," continued Captain Singh. "But now they look at your quadrant and realise there might be another way. The government, of course, can take no policy view, but unofficially I can tell you that a lot of people are glad to see Titus and Kalique under pressure. You know, I don't think they knew how much they were hated until you appeared. Some planets in their sectors are even saying that they want to break away and join your quadrant. One planet, Calipsis, has already made a formal declaration. If that happens, things could unravel pretty fast for them."

"Calipsis," mused Jupiter. "That's mainly an agricultural planet. Fields and forest. In Kalique's sector. Population of about a million, I think."

"Yes, that's right," said Captain Singh. "Nice place, nice people." She nodded towards the new battle cruiser. "What are you going to call it?"

"I'm thinking the _Leonard Hofstadter_ ," said Jupiter.

"Oh, is he a major Earth scientist?" said Captain Singh.

"Sort of," said Kiza.

"Well, Kiza," said Jupiter. "Here's the first official duty of the _Leonard Hofstadter_. Tell the captain to send a message to the government of Calipsis saying that I am pleased to welcome them to my quadrant. Send the message on a public band, so everyone can hear it."

Kiza nodded. "And may I suggest," she said, "that we follow it up with a diplomatic visit. From you. In the _Leonard_."

"Make it so," said Jupiter.

* * *

A few days later, in another part of the galaxy, Kalique and Titus were walking together in the grounds of Kalique's palace. The place was starting to look a bit run-down, with fewer people working in the gardens. Instead of the large retinue that formerly followed Kalique around, only her aide Chicanery Night was in sight. If Titus noticed he said nothing. Not like he was in a better position. Only Famulus accompanied him. He had had to let many of the beautiful women that once trailed behind him go.

"So now we know her plan," said Kalique. "First she cuts off the Nectar supply, and now she starts to seduce our properties onto her side."

"And she has started to build battle cruisers," added Titus. "This new ship with the odd name will be just the first. We have to stop her. By any means."

Kalique was silent for a while, thinking. Then she said: "Do you know my planet Calipsis?"

* * *

Jupiter was on the bridge of the _Leonard Hofstadter_ with Kiza, Caine, and the captain of the ship, T'Achi, who was from the planet Kaga2. She had told Jupiter how pleased she was to serve, especially since Kaga2 had, until a year ago, been a planet where half of the population had been slaves – including most of T'Achi's family.

They were coming out of the portal that would take them to Calipsis. "I've heard that it's a good place," said Kiza. "Where a lot of the splices come from, apparently. Bears, foxes, deer."

"I look forward to it," said Jupiter. "The message from the council sounded as if they were very happy to join our quadrant. I understand that it will involve kicking the corporations owned by Titus and Kalique off the planet."

"I would like to see that," said Caine.

The _Leonard Hofstadter_ came out of the portal, the space solidifying around them – to the extent that space can solidify, in any case. They saw the green sphere of Calipsis before them. And something else. There was a large ship in orbit – a ship bearing the colours of Titus Abrasax.

"Oh no," said Caine.

"Oh no what?" said Jupiter.

"That," said Caine, "is a factory ship. They are getting ready to harvest the population of the planet. Convert the people into Nectar."

An officer from a sensor console spoke. "They are powering up the harvest engines on the ship," he said. "Full power, sufficient for harvesting, will be reached in five minutes, perhaps less."

Jupiter turned to Captain T'Achi. "The _Leonard Hofstadter_ is fully armed and combat capable, right?" she said.

"That it is," she said. She turned to her bridge crew. "Sound action stations," she said. "Helm, get us between the harvest ship and the planet. Communications, hail them and find out what the hell they think they are playing at. Warn them that we are armed and ready to fire."

"Let's rock," said Kiza softly.

"I cannot say that I like the smell of this," said Caine.

Klaxons and alarms began to sound, and the ship began to move.

"A communication is coming in," said another officer. "They are requesting to speak to ... Jupiter Jones. It is ... Titus Abrasax."

"Huh," said Jupiter. "Well, put him on."

The smarmy face of Titus came up the screen. He smiled.

"Well, if it isn't my favourite royal troublemaker," he said. "And just in time to see the show."

"My understanding," said Jupiter, "is that the population of this planet is not large enough for harvesting to be commercially viable. And technically it is not yours."

Kalique came onto the screen next to Titus. "That might be true, but we thought we might make an exception," she said. "And since this planet has indicated an interest in leaving our family, we decided it would be opportune to send a message to any others that might have similar ideas."

"The governing council of Calipsis has asked for my protection and I have said it will be given," said Jupiter. "So ... fuck off."

"Hmm," said Titus. "Since you put it so charmingly ... no."

"Weapons are loaded and locked on," said Captain T'Achi. "It's a damn big ship but we can take a bite out of it. Take out their harvesting engines, at least."

"Uh, it appears that the harvesting engines are de-powering," said the Sensor officer. "But ... wait ... portals opening! Three! Battle cruisers!"

"Target the emerging ships!" shouted Captain T'Achi. "Helm, evasion pattern!"

But the three ships – two with the banner of Kalique, one with the colours of Titus – were already firing. Missiles and energy bolts were coming in from three directions.

The _Leonard Hofstadter_ took a series of hits but punched back – and kept punching. Captain T'Achi shouted orders for counter-manoeuvres. _She's good_ , thought Jupiter. _But damn, there are three of them._

Caine looked at Kiza. "We have to get her to a safer place," he said.

"My runabout is in the shuttle bay," said Kiza. "That's probably as safe as anywhere." Caine nodded.

"No, I want to stay here, where people are fighting for me," said Jupiter.

Captain T'Achi shook her head. "Go," she said. "And if it looks like we're going to go down, get on that ship and evacuate."

Jupiter was reluctant but she could see the sense of it. So she, Kiza and Caine started for the shuttle bay and the _Sheldon Cooper_.

They were running along a corridor when there was a thump. "Boarding shuttle, probably from the harvest ship," said Caine. He drew his gun. Kiza drew hers.

There was an explosion in one of the walls. A dozen of Titus' soldiers came through the smoking hole. In a few seconds, Caine and Kiza had taken down several, but the soldiers had concussion weapons and were firing. Jupiter saw Kiza blasted backwards.

"Run!" shouted Caine to her over the din. "I'll hold them!"

"No!" shouted Jupiter. "We stay together, you and I! We – "

And then a concussion blast hit the two of them, and Jupiter knew no more.

END

* * *

 **Jupiter and the Great Escape**

 _In a moment of crisis, a new ally is found._

Jupiter Jones came awake to a view of the ceiling of a cell. With an effort, she pulled herself to her feet, holding on to the bars for support. To find Titus and Kalique on the other side, in a separate chamber. They were smiling. _That can't be good,_ she thought.

"So you have declared war," she said to them, fighting against the painful throb in her head.

"War is such a strong term, and is unlikely to be good for business," said Titus. "More like a small skirmish."

"What happened to my ship?"

"We left as soon as you and your dog were aboard," said Kalique. "But last time we saw it, it was still afloat. We saw no need to destroy it, and doing so might have caused problems. Those things come with a guarantee, you know. And I must say it proved to be rather tougher than we had anticipated."

"And Calipsis?"

"As you said, harvesting it was not economically viable," said Titus. "And the point of the exercise was to draw you out. But don't worry, we'll think of some suitable way to punish them. In time."

Jupiter glanced around the bare cell.

"If you are looking for your dog, he is right here," said Titus. He gestured, and two guards dragged Caine into the antechamber. He had obviously been beaten savagely, and he was unconscious. His wings had been torn off. Another guard opened the door of Jupiter's cell and they threw him in.

"When he has recovered a bit, we'll start again," said Kalique. "No point in continuing to torture someone who can't feel it, is there? Of course, you could stop it, Jupiter. You just have to seal some documents that we have prepared. Documents that show that you voluntarily relinquish your legal claims to all the properties you currently control."

"The 'voluntary' part was my idea," said Titus.

"You really are an asshole," said Jupiter.

Caine groaned, and swam back to consciousness. "Give them nothing," he said to Jupiter. "Except the finger."

"Oh, he's back amongst the living," said Titus. "Well, we'll see for how long."

"And his life is not the only one you can save," said Kalique. "If you do not agree soon, we will begin to harvest planets in your quadrant, whether it is profitable or not, and even if the legal authority is questionable. Maybe we'll start with that one called Grizikity something or other. It looks nice."

"And before too long, we will reach Earth, your favourite," said Titus. "Something for you to think about."

Two guards pushed their way into the cell and dragged Caine out again. Titus and Kalique shared a chuckle and then departed to oversee the 'interrogation'.

An hour later, they returned Caine to the cell. He was even bloodier than before. Jupiter tore strips from her shirt and did her best to bind his wounds. She took off her jacket and put it over him, but she knew there was little she could do for him. He recovered a little. There was no-one in the antechamber to the cell.

"I'm starting to think that there isn't much choice but to give them what they want," she said to him.

He stared at her. "That's not the woman I know," he said. "That one never gives up. Always has a trick up her sleeve. That's the woman I ... well, you know."

She smiled at him. "You ... what?" she said.

"You know."

"No, no I don't."

He mumbled something.

"Didn't catch that," said Jupiter.

He mumbled again.

"Once more," she said.

"The woman I love!" he said.

"Ha!" she said. "Made you say it!"

Caine grunted.

"There is one thing," she said. "This." She took the mini-blaster from her pocket, the one which looked like a lipstick. "They searched me but I guess they didn't know what this really was, so they didn't take it."

"That's good, but it's only has two, maybe three shots, and only at a short range," said Caine. "And we're on the harvest ship. Hundreds of soldiers, and the place is a maze, from what I saw of it."

Jupiter heard a guard come into the antechamber. He held out a tumbler of liquid for her through the bars. "I'm supposed to give you this," he said. "They don't want you dying."

She went over to the guard and took the tumbler, and drank. "Thanks," she said. "I wish there was something I could do to ... show my appreciation. Something." She pushed aside the remains of her shirt to show some flesh. "You know," she said, "Royals have got special ways of doing ... it. Very special ways."

"R – really?" he said.

"Oh yes. Perhaps you would let me show you."

"I – I'm not even supposed to talk to you. And I thought the guy was your partner. That's why they're torturing him, I thought."

"What, him? Well, they've got that wrong. He's just an employee. I've got hundreds of them. Thousands. And he's really just a dog. Not like you."

He stared at her. "I – I'm not really supposed to ... " he said.

"Perhaps, then, just a kiss? One little kiss? To thank you for the water. A special Royal kiss."

"Well, I suppose one kiss couldn't hurt." He stepped up to the bars.

"Just let me put some lipstick on," she said. "It will make it better." She took the lipstick from her pocket. She put it to her lips. She aimed. And fired.

The guard gave a cry and fell backwards.

"Very special kiss," murmured Jupiter. Reaching through the bars, she managed to drag the unconscious body close enough to search his pockets. Eventually, she found a cardkey. She tried it in the door, and it opened.

She helped Caine to his feet. "You are a very dangerous woman," he said.

"But that's why you love me, right?" she said.

He considered. "Maybe," he muttered.

With Caine leaning heavily on her, they made it to the outer corridor. "A big ship like this, there have to be some shuttles," she said. "If we can – "

And then two guards came around the corner. They immediately pulled their guns. _Damn_ , thought Jupiter.

There was the sound of a blaster shot, and then another. The two guards went down.

Famulus, Chief Attendant to Lord Titus, was standing behind them, a blaster in her hand.

They stared at her.

"You," said Jupiter. "You sent that message."

"I did," said Famulus.

"I thought that deer-splices were programmed for loyalty," said Caine.

"I thought so too, but then I read _The Long Walk to Freedom_ and I realised that you only owe loyalty to people who earn it. And when Titus was ready to harvest Calipsis, I knew that he wasn't worth serving."

"Ah," said Jupiter. "It's your home planet, isn't it?"

Famulus nodded. "I didn't know how I was going to get you out of that cell, but I see that you've got this escape already under way," she said.

"But this is as far as our plan went," said Jupiter. "Can you get us to the shuttle bay?"

Famulus produced a padd and called up a map. "This way," she said.

It was slow going, dodging soldiers and sensor units, and helping Caine between them. But eventually they made it to the shuttle bay. There was a lot of people working in the bay, maybe twenty.

There was a small shuttle close by. Unfortunately, there was a trio of men working at a console near it.

"Caine, are you up to flying it?" said Jupiter.

"Yes, I heal quickly," he said. "But I doubt I can fight."

"Leave it to me," said Famulus. "As far as these guys know, I am still the Chief Attendant of Titus. If I give them an order, they might obey out of sheer habit."

She stepped out of hiding and approached the men. "Is this ship prepped and fuelled?" she said, pointing to the little ship. "I have orders to transfer the prisoners." She gestured for Jupiter and Caine to come out, which they did. Jupiter took the mini-blaster from her pocket, hiding it in her palm.

"It's ready, but transfer them ... where?" said one of the men.

"Are you questioning the word of Lord Titus?" snapped Famulus.

"No, of course not," said the man. "It's just that – "

And then an alarm went off. Obviously, the empty cell had been discovered. The three men went for their weapons.

But Famulus was faster. She drew and fired, sending two of them down. Jupiter hit the other one with her mini-blaster. Caine opened the door of the shuttle and he and Jupiter climbed in. He started the engines. The other men were running for them now, drawing weapons.

Famulus hit the door control on the console. The doors began to swing open. There was an In/Out field in place.

"Famulus, come on!" shouted Jupiter.

Famulus was running for the shuttle, but then a blast hit her in the leg. She went down only a few meters from the shuttle door, her gun spinning from her hand.

She looked at them. "Go," she said.

Caine looked at Jupiter. "We really should," he said.

"Yeah, we should. But we're not going to, are we?"

"Of course not."

Jupiter jumped out of the shuttle and ran towards Famulus. She picked up the blaster on the way and fired. She reached Famulus and helped her to her feet.

"You never do the sensible thing, do you?" said Famulus to her.

"I am Russian-splice," she said. "We are not a sensible people."

"Down!" shouted Caine. He had the shuttle a few feet off the ground, and turned it so the engine blast was towards the oncoming men. It drove them back.

Jupiter helped Famulus in and then climbed in herself.

"Let's get out of here," said Jupiter.

But the soldiers were firing at the shuttle, and it was taking hits.

And then they were through the In/Out screen.

"I sent a message to your ship," said Famulus. She was punching co-ordinates into the computer. "These are the location numbers. We can meet your ship there, but Titus and Kalique will be able to tell where it is. Track the portal destination."

"We're leaking fuel and oxygen, so there aren't any other options," said Caine from the driving seat.

"Then make it so," said Jupiter.

Portal.

END

* * *

 **Jupiter and the Final Face-off**

 _The end, and new beginnings_

They came out of the portal, and immediately saw the _Leonard Hofstadter._ It had taken a good deal of damage in the battle near Calipsis but it was still in one piece, and repairs were under way.

Caine guided the little ship into the bay just as the fuel ran out. Kiza and Captain T'Achi were there to greet them. Caine and Famulus were taken to the infirmary, and Jupiter was taken to the bridge.

"What sort of shape are we in?" said Jupiter.

"Not bad, but not great," said the Captain. "Our portal engine took a hit. We managed to patch it enough to get here but now it's blown. The techs are working on it but it's going to take a while. Until then, it's impulse only."

"That's not good news, as we are likely to get a visit from Titus and Kalique any moment. And knowing their liking for big shows, and since you gave them a bloody nose last time, they are likely to bring their entire fleet."

"Captain, Your Majesty," said the officer at the Sensor console. "A portal is opening. Single ship."

"Ready whatever weapons we can scrape up," ordered Captain T'Achi.

But it wasn't an Abrasax ship. It was the _Guardian_. The face of Captain Singh came onto the Comms screen. "I understand you are expecting some trouble," she said. "I am pleased to assist. But please realise that I am not here in an official capacity, as a representative of the Commonwealth. We happened to be just passing and noticed a ship in need of aid."

Jupiter laughed. "In a big galaxy, you happened to be just passing," she said.

"Yes, sometimes it works out that way."

Caine and Famulus came onto the bridge, their wounds treated as much as possible. Caine acknowledged Captain Singh.

"I have no doubt you have broken any number of regulations and treaty provisions today, Mister Wise," said Captain Singh. "But, well ... fuck it."

"Captain," said the Sensor officer. "Portals opening on our starboard side. Multiple contacts."

"How many?" said Caine.

"Many. Twenty, no, thirty, no, more ... many more ... "

Suddenly, there were eighty combat ships in nearby space. And all of them had their guns pointed at the _Leonard Hofstadter_ and, for good measure, the _Guardian_.

The face of Titus Abrasax came onto the screen. "You have no chance," he said. "Surrender yourself now, Jupiter, and we will let the crews of the ships go free. My dear friend Famulus, however, will be another matter."

"Go screw yourself, asshole," said Famulus. "And you don't know how long I have waited to say that."

Jupiter smiled, and turned the screen with Titus' image off.

"All external communications are being jammed," said Captain Singh. "So there is no chance of contacting other Commonwealth ships."

"Then it's a good thing that I took the precaution of calling some friends a while ago," said Kiza.

"More portals opening on our port side," said the Sensor officer. "Twelve, no, fifteen ships."

Fifteen ships, dangerous-looking and obviously ready for a fight, appeared. "Where are they from?" said Famulus.

The face of Razo Tatto appeared on the Comms screen. "The fleet of M'B'ary is at your disposal, my lady," she said to Jupiter.

"That's good, but it only changes the odds from two to eighty, to seventeen to eighty," said Captain Singh.

"More portals opening," said the Sensor officer.

Twenty more ships appeared. Heavy, tough, the sort of ship that can take any number of hits and keep coming.

"I know these ships," said Captain T'Achi. "They are from Terrazo-Kopty 9."

Karrick came onto the screen. "Awaiting your orders, my lady," she said.

More portals. More ships, from other planets in Jupiter's quadrant. In a few moments, seventy-four ships stood ready to fight for Jupiter Jones.

"I'm thinking we should call this the Fleet of the Free Quadrant," said Kiza.

"I agree," said Razo.

"If it's going to be a battle, it will still be a close-run thing," said Captain Singh.

"Wait," said Kiza.

There was another burst of portals. Sixteen ships from the Tirelli-Abrasax clan came through.

"Hi," said Vincente Tirelli-Abrasax. "And Razo, you will be pleased to know that I brought you something." He held up a paper bag. On the side was written: _Every donut is another blow against the Abrasax empire._

"Excellent," said Razo.

"We might have an edge," said Captain Singh. "But it's going to be a bloody day."

Jupiter nodded. She knew she could not agree to the demands of Titus and Kalique, but she had no desire to see a lot of people die.

"Another portal is opening," said the Sensor officer. "One ship, but, damn, it's a big one."

A huge vessel, dark and daunting, appeared. "Who is this?" said Jupiter.

"That," said Captain Singh, "is a super-cruiser of the Commonwealth Taxation and Revenue Authority."

"What, the tax office has its own battle fleet?" said Jupiter.

"Yes, and they are known for not taking prisoners."

A message on an open band boomed out from the dark ship.

"Titus Abrasax and Kalique Abrasax," it said. "As the joint and legal owners of the planet known as J-15(23) in the Acheron system, you stand in breach of 57 provisions of the Taxation and Revenue Code. A warrant is hereby issued for the seizure of disbursement of all your properties. Your financial assets have been frozen and are already undergoing seizure. No correspondence on this matter will be entered into."

"Damn, those guys are scary," said Jupiter.

"I like them," said Famulus. "There's a few things I can tell them that they might be interested in."

The Abrasax fleet was beginning to break up. Presumably, many of the soldiers had realised that they were not going to be paid. The flagship of Titus and Kalique began to withdraw. The Taxation and Revenue Authority ship followed. Very soon, only the allies of Jupiter Jones were left.

"Well, that was an odd ending," said Caine.

"But no-one got killed," said Jupiter. "So let's put it down as a win."

* * *

It was the large meeting room of the _Leonard Hofstadter_ , and Vincente Tirelli-Abrasax had brought enough donuts for everyone.

"Thanks for the contribution," said Jupiter to him. "Uh, I mean the ships."

"Well, you've given my clan a future, and I never liked those guys anyway," he said. "By the way, did you know that Razo and I are in love? We're thinking we might get married."

Jupiter started. "This isn't just about the donuts, is it?" she said.

He laughed. "No, not just the donuts," he said.

"Well, I'm glad to hear it. But let me say, if you break her heart I'll have you drawn and quartered. Consider that a Royal pledge."

Vincente nodded. "And what if she breaks mine?" he said.

"Then you're entirely on your own. Us girls stick together, you know."

Vincente smiled, and then went to join Razo and Karrick. Jupiter saw Vincente say something, and then Karrick picked them both up and hugged them.

Caine came over to her. "What are you going to do now?" he asked.

She considered. "It's been a weird couple of years," she said. "Weird, and busy. I wouldn't mind taking a bit of time off. Kiza and Karrick can run Transworld, they're better at it than I could ever be. You know, I've been around the galaxy but there are plenty of places on Earth I haven't seen. So I'd like to do that. But only if ... you would do it with me."

"I would, if I can get an indefinite period of leave from the Legion."

"As it happens, I just spoke to Captain Singh about that, and she says that she will sign the paperwork."

"In that case ... yes. Very much yes. When shall we leave?"

Jupiter looked around. She took his hand, and said: "How about now?"

Caine smiled. "Then let's go, my love," he said.

END AND AMEN


End file.
